I have ADHD but didn’t know it until my son was diagnosed with it (last year during first grade). He and I both grade the same in our inattentiveness. My son is still struggling (now in second grade) but we believe we are on the right track in getting him on the proper medication and dosage.
As soon as I found out what ADD/ADHD was life began to get a lot easier for me in the way of acceptance of who I am and became over the years. It explained a lot of my past growing up and how I function as an adult (now 44) today. But I digress...
"ADHD Marriage: Some things that I have learned"
I think the big think I would want my wife to understand is people with ADHD will mostly learn by consequence. It takes me doing something wrong before I learn how to do something right. I know that is the way we all learn but as we grow older most of us learn by reading how to do something right so you don’t do something wrong.
An example of this is assembly instructions. Reading the instructions is painful for me so I will avoid it or brief it and that could mean taking things apart to rebuild the project. My wife could not understand why I wouldn’t just read the instructions; this is something that seams so logical to her. Or when she would send me to the store to pick up a few things, she would flip out when I forgot something. I finally convinced her to give me a list which wasn’t full proof but the chances of me getting everything she wanted were greater. Another example is when she goes out she gives tells me things to do for the kids (dinner, dog, bed time, medication...), she would assume I would remember all those things. But I had to insist she make a list with the time next to the task (dinner – 5:30, feed the dog – 6:30, medication – 7:30...). She gets upset that she has to do this and gets concerned if I can manage while she is away. I did give my son the wrong medication once so she has a point. Overall I have proven I can be trusted but if there are many things to accomplish we agree we need a list. Now she writes the list hours before she goes out so passing the torch is a smoother transition and she can relax in her time to herself.
The wisdom I would share is knowledge is power! If you don’t know you have ADHD life will be a struggle and your marriage can suffer. My wife and I married late in life (go figure); I was 36 and she was 34, so buy that time I was pretty well put together and successfully navigating a career in management in the telecom industry. We do have our problems but very common to most marriages. But now that my wife is going through the process of dealing with my son’s learning issues in the class room she has become more understanding to my traits (or to her – faults).
So here is how I would prioritize success with ADHD in the marriage:
1.) Knowledge – if you don’t know you have it the stress will overwhelm both of you and can result in many fallouts. If you do know, there is a ton of information available that teaches us how the ADHD brain thinks. Once you know why you do the things you do you can work together to be successful in your daily lives. I don’t think my wife is still completely aware, nor is she thrilled to deal with it but we both have matured in how we talk to each other and our son.
2.) Respect – people with ADHD tend to be very sensitive. I believe that one of the reasons is due to our ability to think quickly and multitask inside the brain, but on the outside we appear to be slow, lazy or just not getting it. This makes people question our intelligence and we know it is not a question of intelligence. It is important for our spouses to know that we are intelligent critical thinkers and we take much pride in that. Shooting us down because we forgot the milk can be very offensive to us and most likely will not end well.
3.) Communicate – the more I tell my wife how I see something or why I do something that may seem odd to her the more she understands me. The result is less arguments and more calming discussions spent on solutions instead of problems. On the flip side ADHD people also need to be patient in getting others to understand them. We can see the end result of a process or ideas before the other person can and that makes them feel like we are not getting them. We need to listen and break things down in pieces and allow both sides to get to the end of the discussion at the same time. This is a painful process for ADHD people but with practice we can do it.
4.) Allow for Creativity – ADHD people can be very creative and will constantly look for ways to succeed or build something. This fuels us and is something we must do. But proceed with caution we tend to reach for the sky and our significant others can be quick to point out our failures will prove us wrong, or give us the “I told you so”. But either way we must go through this process; it is in our nature. I had to start a business on the side (upholstery) that allows me to channel my energy and creativity into something I could put my hands on. As long as there was no risk to the family or my current job my wife was ok with it (well... she is dealing with it).
5.) Honesty – we need to be more open about our ADHD. I spent so much of my life hiding from some form of a learning disability that I often hide it form my wife unconsciously. The more I can open up about my ADHD the more she can understand me. I think it’s natural for us to be afraid to tell people we don’t get it or we can’t read and understand something, or doing a certain task may be too difficult for us to work through. But being married means no secrets and we should not be afraid to open up.
In Summary, everything I mentioned here is common marital rules of the road. But if you have ADHD these guidelines should be amplified and clearly defined so your time can be spent on solutions not problems.
You are welcome to use this information and associate my name to it, if you find any of it useful. It is not often I get to talk about ADHD and what it means to my marriage so I jumped at the change to write.
Thank you,
Al